I saw him last night he was beautiful. He had light hair and hazel eyes. He called me mommy and could not let him go. Did I do the right thing? Was there another choice? Would I have been able to cope if I did keep him? I know that little boy I dreamt of was mine. I still remember what it felt like to hold him in my arms and smell his sweet baby smell, I told him that he would always be my baby, he always will be.
I lost him in the dream and I could feel the fear and the pain, I was frantic I could not bear to lose him. In the real world I consciously let him go, I made the choice to not have him. Do I regret it? Maybe. Some days I know it was the right decision for that time and yet I subconsciously crave to have him in my arms.
I know I will have a child/children one day. But today as I sit here typing this I know that I miss him, that I want him, I flutter from right and wrong. I will live with the decision that I made whether it was right or wrong. I the meantime I will keep dreaming these little dreams.